I’ll set the scene. I’d been single for a while and decided to join a free online dating site. Originally I joined just to spy on my friend, but then I thought, well, it’s free, I’m single, what’s the harm in seeing what comes of it? Hahaha…

The Leprechaun was my 3rd date from this site. He was a little younger than me but seemed really sweet, had a good sense of humour and even had a degree in English which was a bonus as it was something we had in common. We had been talking through messages for a few weeks and finally agreed to meet on Boxing Day in a pub not far from my house. I deliberately got there about 10 minutes late, as every lifestyle column advises, and I saw him sitting at a table just inside the door. Well, I saw someone looking vaguely like the profile picture of the person I was expecting to see, and the fact that he was smiling and waving at me gave me an indication that he was the person I was supposed to be meeting. Now I don’t mean to come across as shallow and judgemental, but this guy had been seriously selective about the photos he had chosen. Don’t get me wrong, I understand wanting to choose the better pictures to make a better impression, but he didn’t even look like the person I had seen on the screen! It also didn’t help that he was dressed head to toe in green. Honestly. Green plimsoles, green skinny jeans, green jacket and oh wait, yes, that is also a green t-shirt he’s got on underneath. Brilliant. But I’m thinking “Come on L, give him a chance. He might just be trying to be funny.” Ha!

After getting a drink to numb myself from the colour assault on my eyes, we started to chat. The first thing he says to me?

“I don’t have to be at work until 10am tomorrow morning, so I don’t have to head home until like 8am.”

Right…I really wasn’t planning to be out that late…

“Well if you ask me in for a night cap (wink) when I give you a lift home later (wink) then I can stay until 8ish.”

…

I’ve never been so eager to walk home alone!  Despite that hideous misjudgement, I decided to stick it out and see if it improved at all. He might just have been nervous. And I had just bought a drink.

Oh, and did I mention he smelt like cheese? Yep. I mean, I don’t know for sure which part of him was creating the smell, but I can certainly guess. Which is enough. My stomach still turns thinking about it.

Now, one of the things with meeting someone on a dating site is that all of the small talk is out of the way before you actually meet each other, which is a problem when the person you’re meeting has absolutely nothing interesting to talk about. He told me all about his degree in English, and how he is making good use of it by working in his local corner shop. How his dream is to become the manager of said corner shop. That’s it. I do love a man with ambition! Oh that is unless he manages to become a successful sitcom writer, of course. The script he has been working on is especially funny, mostly because all the couples in it have names that rhyme, like Phil and Jill, or Dan and Fran. Hilarious. And he assures me he is funny, because he did a lot of stand-up whilst he was at Uni. Why did he believe he was so funny you may ask? Oh, don’t worry, he told me exactly why. It’s because he kept a notebook in his pocket, and every time a joke went flat he would take it out and say “note to self: not funny.” I know, I could barely contain myself either.

Can I just add here that I have nothing against working in a shop, but what is the point in getting a degree when you’re not even going to try and make use of it? None at all.

Anyway, once we’d finished our drinks and I’d managed to infer that the date was over, I was eager to leave. Alone. I still had to convince him that he wasn’t invited, one hour of his company was too much already, and after an awkward ‘avoiding the kiss’ goodbye, I was finally free. I got a text as I was walking home asking for another date, to which I simply said “No thank you.” It’s always nice to be polite, right? He then proceeded to bombard me with messages about how we would be good together and that he was about to ask me to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend?! After one painful and awkward date? I suddenly felt like I was talking to a 12 year old!

Safe to say I wasn’t upset that it didn’t work out. If anything I’m just disappointed that I didn’t find the pot of gold…

L xo