Month: May 2023

BFG

BFG

by LPW ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

You know how everyone has a hidden talent? Having perfect pitch, an amazing memory, being able to fall asleep anywhere they land? Well, my secret talent comes in very handy when it comes to dating, and it almost never let’s me down. Almost…

I met BFG on a free dating app. Why BFG you ask? Well, he was 6ft 8 and had size 15 feet. Compared to little 5ft 2 me, that’s bloody massive. Now, if you’re anything like me then your mind is probably heading in a certain direction, but hold that thought for a little while longer.

Apart from looking like some sort of circus act, my first date with BFG was pretty standard. We lived a fair distance from each other but he kindly offered to come to my neck of the woods and save me a journey. We had a nice dinner, pleasant conversation, a few easy laughs; we got on just fine. No real attraction there, but he was a likeable enough guy and he didn’t seem to have any issues with me, which is always a bonus. He was a gentleman too; he paid for dinner with a cheeky suggestion that I could pay “next time” and even offered to walk me back to my car. Of course, I wasn’t really planning on a next time, but that didn’t seem like the time to mention it. I’ve never quite managed to navigate my way between being nice and leading someone on…but now isn’t the time to delve in to that little quandary!

So the date ended affably and we went our separate ways. I had planned to text him the following day with a delightful but clear message making sure that there were no misunderstandings about a second date, but he got in there first:

Hey! So I went to get my car last night but it was locked in the car park, so I had to get a £70 taxi back home and then get the train this morning and pay another £50 to release my car. So it was an expensive date after all!

Oh no. I have to go out with him a second time now don’t I? I mean, I at least have to buy him a meal and even things out a bit. That’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?

You should come over my way this time and I can show you that Caribbean place I told you about

It is only fair that I put the mileage in this time.

Maybe I’ll even give you a tour of my new house 😉

Ah man, we all know what that means.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. If you’re not interested, just turn him down. It’s not your fault he doesn’t understand how car parks work, you don’t owe him anything. You’re right of course, why should I go out with a guy just because of some misplaced desire to even the score a bit?

So the following weekend I set off for his house. Yes, I know, but low self-esteem mixed with an annoying compulsion to feel sorry for people means I have a tendency to make some very questionable decisions. Some very amusing, very questionable decisions. Besides, I had a curiosity I needed satisfied and this seemed an ideal opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

Anyway, shockingly enough this amazing restaurant we were supposed to be visiting was currently shut to diners and only serving takeaway. Quelle surprise. So of course we ordered in to his house. I’ll give him this; the Caribbean food was bloody amazing. He’d gone to a fair bit of effort for my visit as well, buying in a rum I’d mentioned the previous week and stocking up on ginger ale to go with it. So I had to have a few glasses, right? And if I was going to have to stay over, then I might as well sign up for the full experience, oui?

Look, I’m not proud of what happened next. The fact I had to neck half a bottle of Kraken to go through with it should tell you that I was hardly quivering with excitement. But, this man was a giant. And he had size 15 feet. Size 15. And that secret talent I mentioned earlier? Well, I hardly needed to rely on my sixth sense for penis size – my dick sense, if you will – to call this one. This guy was giving me nothing but third leg vibes. And it’s probably worth mentioning here that this second date wasn’t purely about feeling bad for him. Or about hunting anaconda. As you’ll quickly realise by reading this blog, I really don’t come across many decent guys, and very rarely are they actually interested in me. So when a nice one comes along, it seems a waste to give up after just one date because there isn’t an immediate spark. I know I’m not an obvious choice for most guys and I’m not easy to get to know, so it’s only fair that I give the guys I date enough of a chance to see if there is anything there. And did I mention the size 15 feet? How could I pass up the opportunity to test my abilities for real? Is the old adage about shoe size really true? Does the jolly green giant really have a bounty harvest in his lunch box?

The answer is no. No he does not. No snozcumber for this BFG. Barely even a baby gherkin.

…

In fairness, it wasn’t all that bad. I mean, it was at least easy to handle and was all over quite quickly. He seemed to enjoy himself anyway – we both got the best kind of jerk we could’ve asked for that evening, it’s just that mine was a lot spicier.

So after a short, sobering sleep I did the sensible, adult thing and slipped out at the break of dawn before he could realise what had happened. I sent him a nice text a couple of hours later to let him down gently (I’m not a monster) and to be honest he seemed to have got all he wanted out of the situation anyway. So you know, silver linings and all that. I just really thought I was going to be walking out of there sideways. Shame.

Don’t worry, my dick sense has served me very well since then, so I can only assume the unusual proportions of everything else just threw me off kilter temporarily. Besides, that’s not the most awkward situation my talent has put me in…

L xo

Ale Guy

Ale Guy

by LPW ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

‘Hi. Was great meeting you the other night. Fancy going for a drink soon? A.’

Of all the texts to receive after a night out, this is definitely one of the worst. Don’t get me wrong, it seems friendly enough. But the fact I’ve clearly had a conversation with someone, if not more, but don’t remember it? I dread to think what else I’d blocked from my memory.

Luckily, friends seem to remember all the details you try to forget…

Guys, I’ve just had a text from someone called A about the other night?

Yeah, that’s Alex! You were talking to him for like an hour.

Really? I don’t remember him.

Seriously? You kept jumping on his back and telling him to take you around the club introducing him to everyone as your new best friend

Oh…

What can I say? I shouldn’t mix my drinks!

Anyway, I text him back (not mentioning the fact that I couldn’t remember him) and we had quite a regular back and forth for a few days. He asked me if I wanted to meet him for a drink and I thought, meh, why not! Typically, the best times for me seemed to be the worst times for him, and vice versa, so we ended up having to settle for a quick drink one evening between other commitments. But considering I didn’t even remember meeting him in the first place, I figured short and sweet might work in my favour.

So, I was running fashionably late, naturally, and by the time I had got there he had already sat himself at a table and bought us both a drink. A lovely gesture of course, but the drink he had ordered for me was a pint of ale. Really not my drink. But I appreciated the gesture and was more than happy to buy a replacement. And it just meant he got an extra drink out of it. Win win, right? Wrong. Well, in his eyes anyway. He seemed pretty put out about it and kept pushing me to try this ale, to the extent that I didn’t even want to see it, let alone drink it. Even after I had got myself something different, he couldn’t seem to let it be;

I really think you should drink it, it’s so nice

I honestly am quite happy with my lemonade, but thanks anyway

Oh go on, you should really give it a try. You might be surprised

Sorry, I’m actually not drinking today, but I appreciate the thought

Just have a sip at least. Seriously, it’s so good, you’ll definitely like it

Le sigh.

I could’ve just tried it, but why be so insistent? Plus, I’d said no often enough by this point that there was no way I was backing down now. But I also wasn’t quite ready to walk out on the date. There could have still be a lot of potential in this guy! Plus, I had to find something to do whilst I sipped what felt like a gallon of lemonade – I hate to drink in silence. I also hate to drink lemonade when I really want a massive bucket of wine, but my spidey-senses told me I should keep my wits about me with this one.

I want to say the conversation was interesting, but I honestly don’t remember. What I do remember is that every minute or so he would repeat his request that I take a sip of this beer he had so generously bought for me without even asking if I wanted it, because it really is good you know. What was it about this drink that was so amazing? Maybe it was some kind of heavenly nectar that filled you with euphoria and a deeper understanding of life and our purpose on this planet. Well sod trying it for myself, that’s for sure. Apart from being incredibly weird how obsessed he was with me drinking it, it definitely felt like I was winning the game of tenacity, saying yes would’ve felt like I had just given in to defeat. That wasn’t going to happen.

And then, boys and girls, then he did something that really set the alarm bells ringing. As he finished his pint, he didn’t just reach for the spare identical pint that was sitting in front of him. The delicious, amazing ale that he had been harping on about this whole time. Oh no. He got up to buy a new one.

Why?!

Why don’t you just drink the one you got for me?

Oh it’s been sitting there too long really, I need a fresh one

 You were happy for me to drink it though?

Oh yeah well I don’t really fancy another one, might get something different. It’s not that great.

Pardon et moi? Not that great you say? Well what the bloody hell have you been trying to convince me of this whole time then? That did not sit well with me! As he walked off to get his drink, I sat there thinking about how odd the whole situation was. He must have put something in that drink. It seemed the only logical explanation for his behaviour. Well, that or he didn’t really like it at all and was just trying to palm it off on me to save wasting money or having to chug down another disgusting pint. But the latter was far less dramatic so I sent that invasive thought away immediately. Anyway, drink-spiker or douche, I wasn’t sticking around for him to return. He wasn’t even that great a date anyway – he had a soul patch for crying out loud.

As I was sneaking out, I managed to catch the attention of one of the barmen. Who, completely to my surprise, just happened to be the brother of an old school friend. Just a funny little coincidence that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my story. Small world though hey? Anyway, when asked why I looked like I was sneaking away, I let him know briefly what had happened. He eyed Alex suspiciously (“Is he the knob with the chin fuzz?”) then simply looked at me and said, “Leave it with me.” So I did.

I’d love to say that the mystery was solved and justice was served, but to be honest I never heard anything else from the barman or the creepy ale enthusiast since. So to try and divert from the disappointing anti-climax, let’s think of the lesson here – always be vigilant with your drinks! You may be having a naff one foisted upon you by a cheapskate!

The ironic thing is that if it was rum I’d have probably just drunk it without a second thought…

L xo

The Leprechaun

The Leprechaun

by LPW ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’ll set the scene. I’d been single for a while and decided to join a free online dating site. Originally I joined just to spy on my friend, but then I thought, well, it’s free, I’m single, what’s the harm in seeing what comes of it? Hahaha…

The Leprechaun was my 3rd date from this site. He was a little younger than me but seemed really sweet, had a good sense of humour and even had a degree in English which was a bonus as it was something we had in common. We had been talking through messages for a few weeks and finally agreed to meet on Boxing Day in a pub not far from my house. I deliberately got there about 10 minutes late, as every lifestyle column advises, and I saw him sitting at a table just inside the door. Well, I saw someone looking vaguely like the profile picture of the person I was expecting to see, and the fact that he was smiling and waving at me gave me an indication that he was the person I was supposed to be meeting. Now I don’t mean to come across as shallow and judgemental, but this guy had been seriously selective about the photos he had chosen. Don’t get me wrong, I understand wanting to choose the better pictures to make a better impression, but he didn’t even look like the person I had seen on the screen! It also didn’t help that he was dressed head to toe in green. Honestly. Green plimsoles, green skinny jeans, green jacket and oh wait, yes, that is also a green t-shirt he’s got on underneath. Brilliant. But I’m thinking “Come on L, give him a chance. He might just be trying to be funny.” Ha!

After getting a drink to numb myself from the colour assault on my eyes, we started to chat. The first thing he says to me?

“I don’t have to be at work until 10am tomorrow morning, so I don’t have to head home until like 8am.”

Right…I really wasn’t planning to be out that late…

“Well if you ask me in for a night cap (wink) when I give you a lift home later (wink) then I can stay until 8ish.”

…

I’ve never been so eager to walk home alone!  Despite that hideous misjudgement, I decided to stick it out and see if it improved at all. He might just have been nervous. And I had just bought a drink.

Oh, and did I mention he smelt like cheese? Yep. I mean, I don’t know for sure which part of him was creating the smell, but I can certainly guess. Which is enough. My stomach still turns thinking about it.

Now, one of the things with meeting someone on a dating site is that all of the small talk is out of the way before you actually meet each other, which is a problem when the person you’re meeting has absolutely nothing interesting to talk about. He told me all about his degree in English, and how he is making good use of it by working in his local corner shop. How his dream is to become the manager of said corner shop. That’s it. I do love a man with ambition! Oh that is unless he manages to become a successful sitcom writer, of course. The script he has been working on is especially funny, mostly because all the couples in it have names that rhyme, like Phil and Jill, or Dan and Fran. Hilarious. And he assures me he is funny, because he did a lot of stand-up whilst he was at Uni. Why did he believe he was so funny you may ask? Oh, don’t worry, he told me exactly why. It’s because he kept a notebook in his pocket, and every time a joke went flat he would take it out and say “note to self: not funny.” I know, I could barely contain myself either.

Can I just add here that I have nothing against working in a shop, but what is the point in getting a degree when you’re not even going to try and make use of it? None at all.

Anyway, once we’d finished our drinks and I’d managed to infer that the date was over, I was eager to leave. Alone. I still had to convince him that he wasn’t invited, one hour of his company was too much already, and after an awkward ‘avoiding the kiss’ goodbye, I was finally free. I got a text as I was walking home asking for another date, to which I simply said “No thank you.” It’s always nice to be polite, right? He then proceeded to bombard me with messages about how we would be good together and that he was about to ask me to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend?! After one painful and awkward date? I suddenly felt like I was talking to a 12 year old!

Safe to say I wasn’t upset that it didn’t work out. If anything I’m just disappointed that I didn’t find the pot of gold…

L xo

It’s better to laugh than cry!

It’s better to laugh than cry!

by LPW ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I have always been a clumsy person, literally tripping over air on a regular basis and falling down so often that no one even asks if I’m okay anymore. So it seems fairly fitting that this clumsiness carries into other aspects of my life, such as my lovelife (or lack thereof). I am forever telling my friends about the ridiculous situations I get myself in to, mostly through dating, and these tales are usually met with a number of responses; laughter, shock, rounds of “you’re kidding”, laughter, sympathy, disbelief and then some more laughter.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been completely unlucky in love. Although I have yet to find my “Mr Right”, I have been fortunate enough to meet some lovely warm up acts. However, lovely isn’t funny. Or shocking. But crazy, gross and downright weird? Now that’s funny. And I’ve got plenty of those to share!

I’ve been told a few times by my friends that I should write these stories down, so here I am sharing them with you all. There will be some fabrication, some elaboration, a lot of truth and hopefully even some entertainment in this blog, so I hope you enjoy it! And being a hopeless romantic, my quest for the love of my life is not over yet, which means there will probably be a lot more to tell in the future.

L xo